Buts After "I Love You"

Part 1.  Hey, Let Me Talk About Him

It's been a long time now. I did not know if it was real love. But for a time being, I was happy, and excited, and my thoughts were full of him. And then I was hurt, crying every night, cannot function at all, and was generally conflicted.

I am genuinely happy for him - that he is now in the place where he needs and wants to be, happy that he is doing the right thing, happy that he seems well, because I genuinely want the best for him, even if that doesn't include me.

He is, after all, my first love.

I am genuinely happy for him.
But I want to be happy too, not for others, but for myself.

But, Hey, I'm moving on. Finally. Hopefully.

It is damn difficult,
Even when I am a strong, independent, capable woman.
But when I come home, and is alone in my room, when I shower, when I walk the streets on my own, and in those other little moments of silence, I am devastated. I weep. I question. I die.

Those who leave us never really leave us.

They stay...
- in our memories
- in our hearts
- in the spaces between our fingers
- in the emptied sofa
- in the jokes we've shared
- in the places we've visited
- in the clothes we've worn
- in the dates we've bookmarked
- and in all the other things that they've occupied

They linger.

And we try to hold onto it.
And it hurts more.
It hurts a lot.

I hope he isn't hurting, as I am.
I hope he isn't in pain.
I hope he isn't feeling what I am feeling.
Because I never ever would want to hurt him.
And I never would wish anyone, especially him, to feel this way.

But I hope he learns something. At least I serve as a lesson.
I hope he grows from this.
I hope something good would come out of this.
Someday, when these feelings are not as intense,
I hope for us to smile, and not hurt anymore, at the thought of each other.

I love him.
But, Hey, I'm moving on. Finally. Hopefully.

I know it is far.
But if I start walking now, it will get nearer.
And I will eventually get there.

I love him.
But I am moving on.

Part II. You, Let Yourself Miss Him.

You miss him.

A time when you no longer miss him may or may not come, but there is nothing you can do for certain to stop missing him now. There is no way around it. You will just have to wake up everyday missing him, until the time comes, hopefully, when the pain of missing him is no longer as intense.

You can push through, even if it is embarrassing and scary, and lonely, and arduous, and painful. You can push through, even if you'd rather just disintegrate into thin air. You can push through, little by little, towards today, towards tomorrow.

You can push through, even if you do not really know what lies ahead. You can push through, until you've gotten used to moving, until it is no longer painful. And then you'll see, hopefully, that you've healed, even a little.

I know you are sad. But just go through it. Process the sadness. There is no choice but to ride it out. 

Adieu. All is well,
Arlet