Buts After "I Love You"

Part 1.  Hey, Let Me Talk About Him

It's been a long time now. I did not know if it was real love. But for a time being, I was happy, and excited, and my thoughts were full of him. And then I was hurt, crying every night, cannot function at all, and was generally conflicted.

I am genuinely happy for him - that he is now in the place where he needs and wants to be, happy that he is doing the right thing, happy that he seems well, because I genuinely want the best for him, even if that doesn't include me.

He is, after all, my first love.

I am genuinely happy for him.
But I want to be happy too, not for others, but for myself.

But, Hey, I'm moving on. Finally. Hopefully.

It is damn difficult,
Even when I am a strong, independent, capable woman.
But when I come home, and is alone in my room, when I shower, when I walk the streets on my own, and in those other little moments of silence, I am devastated. I weep. I question. I die.

Those who leave us never really leave us.

They stay...
- in our memories
- in our hearts
- in the spaces between our fingers
- in the emptied sofa
- in the jokes we've shared
- in the places we've visited
- in the clothes we've worn
- in the dates we've bookmarked
- and in all the other things that they've occupied

They linger.

And we try to hold onto it.
And it hurts more.
It hurts a lot.

I hope he isn't hurting, as I am.
I hope he isn't in pain.
I hope he isn't feeling what I am feeling.
Because I never ever would want to hurt him.
And I never would wish anyone, especially him, to feel this way.

But I hope he learns something. At least I serve as a lesson.
I hope he grows from this.
I hope something good would come out of this.
Someday, when these feelings are not as intense,
I hope for us to smile, and not hurt anymore, at the thought of each other.

I love him.
But, Hey, I'm moving on. Finally. Hopefully.

I know it is far.
But if I start walking now, it will get nearer.
And I will eventually get there.

I love him.
But I am moving on.

Part II. You, Let Yourself Miss Him.

You miss him.

A time when you no longer miss him may or may not come, but there is nothing you can do for certain to stop missing him now. There is no way around it. You will just have to wake up everyday missing him, until the time comes, hopefully, when the pain of missing him is no longer as intense.

You can push through, even if it is embarrassing and scary, and lonely, and arduous, and painful. You can push through, even if you'd rather just disintegrate into thin air. You can push through, little by little, towards today, towards tomorrow.

You can push through, even if you do not really know what lies ahead. You can push through, until you've gotten used to moving, until it is no longer painful. And then you'll see, hopefully, that you've healed, even a little.

I know you are sad. But just go through it. Process the sadness. There is no choice but to ride it out. 

Adieu. All is well,
Arlet

Enjoying Words I Do Not Speak (Mt Manunggal - Mauyog, Cebu Twin Hike)

"A person's name is to that person, the most important sound in any language." 

As with every trip I make, I try my best to study the local language. But I tried especially hard with this one, because I've always loved Cebu, since it was the last place I went to before the universe told me that I have to grow up and act mature. 

But I never really mastered any languages other than English and Filipino, so I try to remember the names of people instead, even if I suck at it. I still try.  

April. Mae. Helen. Stella. Brandon. Rico. Diana. Alvin. Chen - This is me trying 😅

Thanks, you guys for letting me join this climb! Special thanks to Diana for letting me, a complete stranger out of nowhere, sleep with her in the tent!

Mt. Mauyog Peak

I. On Expensive Registration Fees. Do the right thing, even if it is troublesome

We arrived at the registration area of Mt. Manunggal after more than an hour from Ayala Center.

There was an P80 total registration fee being collected per person (it's for the Land Owner, Barangay, Local Cooperative, and DENR.) Note that registration fees normally costs P20 only, so we insisted on getting a receipt and seeing the ordinance that states that collection of this fee is legal.

But the locals said that the fee was decided only that day so they haven't printed receipts yet. There was a lot of disagreements of course, and it took a while before the gatekeepers finally let us through without paying the fee until we spoke with the Barangay Captain, and hears why such rule is implemented without proper documentation.

Phew! I was glad I didn't speak the local dialect so I didn't need to argue with the locals too. But the group I was with was amazing! They were able to insist their right on getting a receipt if they pay, otherwise not pay at all. Normally, visitors would just give in to avoid the hassles, but this proliferates a culture of graft and abuse if left unchecked. Way to go, team!

II. On Socials. In the mountains, everyone has the same heartbeat, and speak the same language, even if no actual words are spoken.

Due to time taken at the registration, it was almost dark when we left for Mt. Manunggal peak from the campsite. After a few minutes of trekking, we decided to go back and just continue the next day since majority do not have headlamps too. And so we went back to the campsite to pitch our tents, have dinner, and socials.

Introverted as I am, I dreaded socials. I think it is the most tiring and stressful part of hiking, but I enjoy people-watching! I like listening to other people's stories and somehow knowing them. I just get stressed when they expect me to talk about myself too, or when they expect me to respond to / act on whatever they say.

Alcohol was passed around. Make shift disco light was turned on. Pop music was played. Stories were shared. People were laughing in chorus. It was so lively! But I probably got around 30% of the stories only since they were mostly speaking in local dialect - which means less pressure for me to contribute to the discussions. Yey!

Cheers to being comfortable of not understanding everything!

I looked up, the sky brightly lit with stars.
I closed my eyes, the wind gently touching my face.
I can hear everyone's laughter.
I opened my eyes and smile.

At least, I can understand happiness 100%.

III. On Strangers. Everyone is interesting and amazing given the chance to know them. 

These people have such unique stories, and I have the privilege to hear it already, despite knowing them only a few hours ago:

Diana was a teacher for 5 years. When she asked the "universe" for signs whether she should continue teaching, the "universe" continually gave her signs to teach, even if she feels in her heart that it beats for something else. A few weeks ago, she stopped listening to the "universe," and started listening to her heart.

Helen is from Netherlands. She fell in love with a Filipino during her volunteer stint here in the country. She came back here to try and make their relationship work, because she has a son with him, but their differences proved to be too great for them to stay together at the moment.

They were both such strong women, for believing in themselves, and pushing through with the unknown no matter how scary it seems. I'm sending my positive thoughts to you, ladies!

IV. On Fear. Do things that scare you, repetitively - until it is no longer scary. 

Everyone woke up late for sunrise the next day. It took us less than an hour of climbing sharp limestone rocks to Manunggal peak from campsite. The view from the top was beautiful.

There was a part that I wanted to climb, but fear got the best of me. I've accumulated so much fear lately that it feels stupid already. But it's also because, I've become lazy, and undisciplined.

Arlet, you need to train more, know more, and understand more, so that you may fear less. 

Mt. Manunggal Peak

As the crowd was building up, and the heat becoming more intense, we went down and continued to Mt. Mauyog. Going there from Mt. Manunggal was strenuous for my knees because the road is concrete rather than soil. Also, along the way, there were various colorful flowers by the roadside.

We reached the registration area of Mt. Mauyog, and paid P30 disturbance fee, and P300 for every 5 people for 1 guide. It was a quick 30 minute pure ascent from registration to Mt. Mauyog peak. The view was beautiful, similar to that of Mt. Manunggal's peak.

V. Expenses

P4500 / everyone in the jeep - Jeepney from Ayala Center to Mt. Manunggal (Day 1) and from Mt Mt Mauyog registration to JY Center (Day 2)

P300 / 5 people - Guide for Mt. Mauyog
P30 - disturbance fee for Mt. Mauyog
P20 - Washroom use fee for Mt Manunggal campsite

P80 (Disputed, we didn't pay anymore) - Total registration fee at Mt. Manunggal

VI. Other Notes

- There are small residential houses / stores in Mt Manuggal campsite. You can ask them to cook rice, noodles, and canned good for a fee. You can also buy brandy here. Note that the price is a bit pricier.

- On the way to Mt. Manunggal peak, there was a sign of "no trespassing" on the correct trail to the peak.

See you around!
Arlet