To Love is a Goal Too

My mom was trying to encourage my brother with something. I stared at her while she vibrantly narrates her story. I can see the lines in her face, the tinge of grey hair that wasnt colored yet. My mom is old.

As I have this realization, or reminder rather, I remember her youthful days. I looked at her again, I seem to be sad that my parents are getting older. Thoughts on how much pain I must have caused them as an overbearing daughter years ago filled my head. I remember episodes of shouting and leaving home, and making my parents cry or suffer unnecessarily, years of not keeping in touch and boldly showing my disdain. And even when I realized that I was wrong, I kept at it. I kept pushing them away.

My mom was still gleefully sharing her story. I cant stare anymore because I feel like crying.

I hear my dad arrived. And I remember nights when I was vomiting violently from vertigo, anxiety, and ulcer. I was sobbing from the pain. My dad was holding my hair in place and comforting me. My mom on the other side was holding a warm glass of water and medicine with a pained expression, as if she was the one vomiting and not I. In that moment, I was sure that it is impossible for me to love them more than they love me.

Ive been more emotional lately with a friend's mom passing away so suddenly. I really cannot imagine her pain and sorrow and anguish possibly, to the point that I cant bring myself to comfort her. Because how do you comfort really. Nothing I can say or do will offer solace here. Im really good at giving space in that regard. That's my response to everything... to give people space and time to pick themselves up, to process the sadness fully... And to be there when theyre ready to reach out. I barely come to terms with my lola's passing 2 yrs ago, I became a hermit for a while. I didnt see anyone or talk with anyone, even with close friends. I was confused. I didnt know how to grieve. Grief is pure intense love with nowhere to go.

Love. And show it.

When someone you love passes away, it might never make any sense ever, but not having regrets hopefully keep you sane most nights.

I still dont know my aspirations, but to always love my parents is the closest I can think of in answering the question to what do I want to do, now and forward.

Love. And show it.