I had a vivid dream of finding out that I have an elder sister who was very intelligent and capable, that I immediately adored her. The first thing I did was ask her about my project for a data analytics class, and she replied, "that's your work, do it yourself." I snapped and said I find out I have a big sister after 20+ yrs, while you knew it all along and I ask one thing and you wouldn't bat an eye. I stormed out from the conversation and went to pee. I woke up, stormed out of bed, and really did pee :))
In real life, I have a younger sister who goes to me for advice for whatever. There are times I envy her because when I experienced what she is asking about, it was tremendously stressful and I had to figure it out myself.
Ive always been very independent. In fact Im so good at it that I almost always end up sabotaging my relationships especially when it's dangerously close to making me dependent on something or someone.
I digress.
Anyway I realize that my reaction in the dream, and my sister's reaction, are both a reflection of my own thoughts - my longing to have that sounding board, to be able to rely on someone else, and also my belief of letting people make their own mistakes, and being entirely independent as a favor for them.
I don't know why I had that dream. I don't know what it's trying to teach me at this point. But I've been stuck for a while now. Like I don't know where to go, and how to go, or why to go. I don't know. Maybe I don't wanna go.
I just want to be a good person. I want to be here for my family. I want to spend my time with them. But I want to achieve things too, but Im not sure. I dont know.
What good is my knowledge if I cant understand my parents now that theyre old.
What good are my achievements if I cant do good for others.
What good is my life if I live it only for myself.
I dont know.
Arlet
